Went too far back
It's 3 AM and I can't sleep.
Thinking too much. Going over my life, trying to reach into the recesses of my pitiful memory. Today I had a very bad reaction tied to negative feedback. At first I thought: wow, I'm doing so much better with RSD... until this 1 AM meltdown happened. Ha.
What's really striking me is how much worse life has gotten. I guess when you come from shit, every little step is a small victory, a relief, an improvement. But when you come from good parents and they die, when you had a good extended family and they fall apart, when you had enough money to get buy and now not even that... Well, the only way is down.
I guess life's just gonna get worse and worse until I finally die.
Something also on my mind is how I'd never really had a celebrity crush on my youth. I always faked a few here and there to not look too weird. But damn. Now in my 30s this shit is real for the first time and I hate it that I love it.
I feel numb to everything around me except the current hyperfixation. I don't wanna flirt anymore, I don't wanna engage in my meaningful relationships, not even with my live-in partner, I don't want to text friends who live faraway but have been a part of my daily life for years. I don't even care about food anymore. I feel nothing.
Maybe I should stop taking my meds.
A weird side effect of my current obsession was realizing how much time has passed since the pandemic, how much older I am, how different I feel, how life has changed for me... It has all been a blur since 2020. I don't think I've ever fully processed it. (I've recently discovered I am MILF-age and I don't think I'll ever fully process that either!)
Everything feels so alien to me. Even my body sometimes.
I also started wondering what it must feel like to feel attractive. To look yourself in the mirror and think: damn, I look hot. To not shrink in public, ashamed of your own body. It must feel amazing.
Some sweet, old crushes of mine sometimes reach out asking how I'm doing. I always feel this overwhelming urge to disappear though. To cancel my phone line and just... Be gone from their lives. So they can never find me. Not because they're bad, but because what am I supposed to say to them? Sorry dude, I feel like shit and am incapable of feeling sexual attraction anymore. Don't waste your time.
My poor live-in partner already has to put up with me and my low libido, I don't wanna engage with other guys and spread the frustration.
Like the saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all. At least in Portuguese it goes something like this, and I'm extending the principle to relationship interactions I guess.