A few life updates
So the deed is done. The 11 year long relationship is over. There was no arguing or fighting or begging. Just a lot of crying and sobbing and bleary eyes. We took a walk through the park nearby, and I thought that was fitting. That was one of the first things we did after I moved in with him almost four years ago.
It's been barely a week now, my mind is fuzzy and sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I do not. A huge thank you to everyone who reached out — I didn't have the mental capacity to respond to those who did, but I promise I'm gonna get there. And be sure I read your message. It's just been a lot. I've been comfortably using fiction (and fanfiction, and cheap entertainment such as Dropout.tv and Smosh) to drown out the world around me. I haven't been a day fully aware since... well, March, probably, but this week more than ever. It may not be too healthy but it's better than substance addictions I guess. lol
The issue with that is that I haven't felt like a part of this world for a while. Combine this with traveling back and forth for work and personal reasons and... Sometimes I truly forget where I am. Last weekend there was a free concert in town of a band I really like and I fully went "damn, wish I was there to go" and guys, I was there! I am here. In town. And I forgot. Guess that's what happens when you keep living inside your own head for too long.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do moving forward. My career had already crumbled earlier this year, and now I'm a singleton almost in my 40s. Lugging two cats around. Avoiding her friends. Jobless (living off freelance work). Now living with my sister and her fiancé. Ha.
At least they like board games and Don't Starve Together.
Now on to little updates on other stuff.
Care taking & being taken care of
I've been considering moving down South, closer to my madrinha. She's 75 and a widow and child-free, so she's been needing my support more often recently. Also if I have to take care of somebody I don't have to think about my life and I find that really comforting; being useful without having to actually live this life.
My sister has been trying really hard to take care of me.
After being the one taking care of her for so many years, even before our parents died, this is a wild trip. I see it and I recognize her efforts but holy shit, is it hard to allow it to happen. I'm not used to being taken care of. It's literal torture for me. But I'm trying. I've been accepting meals and little treats. But she wants to pay for my therapy and get me out of bed (where I do all of my youtube watching and fiction reading) and exercise and meet friends and pay for a few of my expenses and folks, I'd rather die.
Election day
In other news, tomorrow is election day in Brazil and the only reason why I'm not spiraling is that I've no room left in me to spiral. But shit's not looking good for this country, let me tell you that. When I saw that even John Oliver touched on the subject, I felt like we're truly fucked. So idk, pray for us, gringos and hermanos.
Writing & reading
As I've mentioned, I've been reading so much. I haven't read this much since high school, I kid you not. Anything and everything, but I'm dipping my toes in romance/erotica for the first time. I'll say, it's pretty hard to find good books in these categories, and now I understand how people read 100+ books a year — these are super easy and quick reads, you just breeze through them.
And I've been writing, which is still shocking. I know I've mentioned this before in previous posts, but damn. I'm still going. And now outlining and drafting original fiction after maybe four years without a single word to show for it. Wrote about ~50k of fanfic and ~15k of original fiction since April. This is crazy, guys. But here we are.
Recently
I'm finally watching scripted series again, after the entire year only going for Dropout.tv, Smosh stuff and podcasts to pass the time. I started watching Silo season 3 and Las Azules season 1, both on Apple TV. I doubt Las Azules (Women in Blue) is historically accurate, but it's a fun little latino detective show about women joining the police force in the 1970s in Mexico City, on the lookout for a serial killer (of women, bc of course...).
Haven't been listening to any music in particular other than what I've already been listening to for the past year. You can check it out on my last.fm.
As for proper, published books, I've finally read a romance novel that I actually enjoyed! It's called Two's Better by Viano Oniomoh; a solid 3-star on my book. Honestly considering reading anything this woman puts out. It's quite a simple story but the characters were fun, the smut was well written, the relationship didn't drag or was too sudden, and it was a delight. I don't particularly care about the 'perfect first time' trope, but despite that, it was a very cute friends-to-lovers story, which is my current hyperfixation trope. She wraps up the book with the promise of other books exploring background relationships and if I don't get my hands on the Dayo and Prince's one I'm gonna low key crash out. So it's been fun.
Also haven't been gaming consistently at all, which is a fucking shame. I wanna get back to exploring the 3DS catalogue, maybe finish a game or two there even (imagine that!), and go over my backlog of games on Steam as well. But... energy's been scarce, and I'll tell you this: video games are much more tiring to me than reading (or writing, apparently).
And that's it from me, folks. Slow and steady wins the race etc.