A. N. | Not Myself
I've been making a real effort to write down difficult emotions. To untangle this ball of feelings into strings of sentences. Verbalize hurt.
So here we go.
I still can't believe what happened in my life. I mean, I know it happened, I know it was real... But I can't believe they happened to me. I remember my first week after Trauma 1 happened. I realized I was super odd, not-myself at my internship job. I remember apologizing to my coworkers. I remember saying "sorry, this isn't really me". It's been almost twenty years since then... And I still feel like I'm not "me". I just realized that. I keep thinking "I miss being myself" and I never understood what that really meant until now. I miss it because I'm not myself anymore, and I guess... I guess I'll never be. I'm something else and I don't recognize myself. I don't like what I am.
I miss being myself.
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