A.N. | Inner peace, outer turmoil
I honestly don't know how to keep living anymore. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not gonna kms or anything, that thought doesn't even cross my mind but... there's truly nothing in my brain. There's no will to keep doing stuff in me. I have no idea where to go from here. It's been what, two, maybe three years? Three years since I stopped functioning. Started taking antidepressants, got diagnosed with ADHD, learned how much of my life, my self and my experiences were/are shaped by it and learned how some things are out of my control and learned to accept my shortcomings and I just... stopped.
Granted, I also stopped therapy bc can't afford that anymore, but I also don't know how much it was helping me at the time. I don't think I've ever found the therapist for me, you know. It's something costly and random, so very difficult to find. When the meds took away my panic and the understanding of ADHD replaced self-hate with clarity, a switch was turned off inside me. I can't work on anything anymore, I'm always behind schedule, always procrastinating it, nothing makes me just sit down and do the fucking work.
It took me all this paralysis time (three years!) to put all of this into words, in a way that I could understand, let alone others understand. I wish I could tell my clients to lie to me about deadlines and importance/urgency of tasks. I wish the whole entire world could lie to me, maybe then I would be able to function. Idk.
But I found this post on r/ADHDmeme and it truly is exactly what I'm feeling. Reading the responses was also sad -- nobody knows a way out of this. I just know I don't want to do anything ever.