Living in your own head
Living as little as possible
Hello. Yes, I am, in fact, still alive.
Haven't had the energy to do much, though. I think I've mentioned this in previous posts but—been living as little as possible lately. Which, in turn, means I've been living inside my own head a lot. I'm realizing now that I used to be like this in high school and throughout college. I'm doing stuff I haven't done since then—namely writing/reading fanfic; having constant bursts of maladaptive daydreaming (this habit that totally disappeared after college!); listening to music that doesn't relate to me, but to those made-up worlds; inability to communicate feelings and a general unwillingness/energy to talk to people around me. The maladaptive daydreams replace my need for social interaction almost fully. Objectively, it sucks. In practice, it feels extremely comfortable and comforting.
Apparently this has also encompassed this blog. Every night (and I mean every night) when I lay down to sleep I... blog. I imagine myself writing big blog posts here talking about the day, how I'm feeling, funny stuff I wanted to say or share. All in my head. Blogging without blogging. This part doesn't feel very comforting, I gotta say. It makes me feel pretty sad and frustrated, actually. So here I am, making a super duper ultra effort to commit some thoughts into screen. It always—always—makes me feel better.
No one else to play
Been getting into music again. Funny saying that, I know, but I'm not a big music person. Of course I have songs and bands I enjoy, but I can go days without listening to anything and not miss it at all. I have, however, gone back into listening to music when I was accused by my partner of always listening to the same 5 songs every time when we have people over (much like drinking, I consume music socially lol). That really offended me, I don't wanna be that middle-aged person who hates new music and doesn't know anything about it, saying stuff like "back in my day we had real music" and, you know, screaming at clouds.
It's also kinda cool to visit AZlyrics again and see that nothing's changed in 26 years. It's still the same lavender website with the simplest of layouts.
So yeah, I tried to find new music. I'm now listening to a lot of Artemas, bbno$, Coco & Clair Clair and GAKHED. Still haven't found a Brazilian artist to listen to more frequently—I mean, a new one, that I already didn't know before this year. I also stopped trying to like pop artists like Sabrina Carpenter and Chappel Roan when I remember this wasn't the type of music that I was into when I was younger, so why force myself now? Unfortunately I'm an indie girlie.
This ties in to the maladaptive daydreaming mentioned above, but there are snippets of lyrics that I feel a kinship with. It's the case with bbno$'s Why am I like this?. Most of the lyrics for that I can't relate at all, it's all very straight-male coded I guess, but then he goes into this:
I made this character I hate / To be someone I ain't / And I'd rather be someone else / But there's no one else to play
And that got me, man. I always felt a deep discomfort with the 'advice' thrown around of "be yourself, everybody else is taken". Ma'am, what if I suck? What if I hate myself? What if I turned out horrible? What then?
In that case... Yeah, I guess there's no one else I can be—which ain't comforting. It fucking sucks, actually, thank you very much.
In other news
- My computer fried. I think the motherboard is dead. Which means I now have only my old work laptop to use, 'cause I have absolutely no way of paying for a repair or new parts. Thank god I'm medicated, because if I weren't, I'd be on the floor crying in utter despair. This computer is brand new (eleven months old), I used my last scraps of money to purchase it. But being completely sedated by medication makes just feel a pang deep, deep down. And that's that.
- I may not be blogging a bunch here, but I'm trying to keep my Listography updated. A lot less than I used to and would like to, but at least I'm doing that.
- I'm still struggling a lot with routine, eating (not an ED, guys, just ADHD), sleeping, working. So basically life. lol I think I may want to break up my 11-year long relationship, move back in with my sister, shut my bedroom door and never leave my bed again. At least there I have a bedroom (and a bed) all to myself. I'm kinda fed up with my current living situation. There's 3 of us (myself, my partner and my friend renting out a room) but only 2 bedrooms and... I miss being alone. I miss my office space so much (it turned into my friend's bedroom when she moved in), I can't stand her yapping all day long, I hate always sharing a bed, I hate how cluttered the living room became with two office desks (mine and my partner's) + the TV sitting area + all the many bookshelves. I hate it. sigh
- I decorated my Boox Palma. It's looking very cute. I'm reading on it a lot. I'm also using it to write a bunch of stuff (fanfics and drafting ideas). It also may be the only reason I'm still reading blog posts too, it's a pretty cool device for text-heavy habits (of course). I'm glad I purchase it. It was expensive, even though it's second hand, but in my country it's either that or double the price to import a new one.
- I think I wanna start a YouTube channel sharing very short videos (under 10min) about things I like and micro video essays. Can't do that on this janky laptop tho. lmao
- There's a bunch of new blog posts and video suggestions and curated posts on my Raindrop bookmarks. Take a look.