Nothing to do on my phone
I have nothing to do on my phone anymore. I feel that urge during the day to take out phone so I'm either not bored or procrastinating something I don't wanna do and... I have nothing to do on it.
Without social media on it anymore, and now without my main game I used to play on Apple Arcade, there's literally nothing to be staring at.
When I left big social media platforms a few years ago, I wasn't doing it because of "phone addiction". It was more out of a sense of social inadequacy, over-consumption and a need to connect with people in less superficial ways. The decrease of screen time was like an afterthought, a mere bonus. So much so that I kinda kept it the same time, replacing scrolling for mobile gaming. Over half of my screen time was because of it, and the rest oscillated between browsing, YouTube and instant messaging apps (WhatsApp/Telegram).
My most played game was Outlanders 2, but a few months ago they switched things up for this other style of game play I didn't mind but also... didn't love. And then the daily challenges became repeats of old ones, which forced me to either delete my progress in that challenge to start over or not play at all. So yeah, I stopped playing.
I finished the puzzles on Art of Fauna and Bullpen and like, I now for a fact there are other games on Arcade that I'd love to play, but the small screen on my 13 Mini truly is a hindrance and makes me not want to play games like Hello Kitty Island Adventure, Dredge or Don't Starve.
So yeah. Now I have nothing to do on my phone and that's making me balk in the middle of the day and go: okay, what now? I gotta do what I gotta do? Pff.
I truly feel so much worse in terms of stamina and willingness to do stuff than five, ten years ago. I'm not sure what's changed exactly. It's like I got the ADHD diagnose, the meds, and... crumbled. Not *because *of the diagnosis (I don't think?), but I don't know.
Most of the time I'm not yearning for death anymore (like I was earlier this year), but man. I feel like my head is full of cotton, all fuzzy and tangled. It only gets a little sharper and clearer when I'm either reading or writing (fiction or nonfiction). But I used to be able to do so much more. Even gaming feels tiring, like damn. Let me have this, please.
My psychiatrist said that getting better doesn't mean I get to immediately be able to work properly and do everything at once, but at this rate... I'm gona be in my mid-40s just barely managing to make enough money to feed myself and my cats.
I lost any drive I had for work. I wish I didn't have to work to keep living on this Earth. And I'm not talking about being the kid of some rich person and have every need and whim met. No, I mean like... Give me the smallest shoebox to live in, food on my fridge, cat food and a park I could walk on and I'd be okay with that.
I've heard there's like a sort of universal basic income in a few European countries, and I wonder if living that would reality change at all how I feel, or if a few years of this would make me finally be able to do stuff without the stress of "how am I gonna afford being alive next month", but that's not a reality where I live.
Alas. Back to the real world I guess.