Tiny, microscopic victories
Health stuff
Went to the doctor today. As in, I scheduled an appointment and *actually *showed up. Can I get a round of applause?
I did like the doctor. She didn't dismiss what I had to say about ADHD, even though she was a gynecologist. She took it into consideration, gave me several pages of exams to schedule and new meds and supplements.
Maybe I cried a little bit in relief. I have so much stuff wrong with me I kept adding to her list of symptoms. Now I gotta fight the ADHD and schedule and go to the exams. Girls, wish me luck. It's terrible how one appointment with a doctor that doesn't suck immediately lifted my spirits. Jesus Christ.
She got me back on the progestin-only pill I had stopped taking a few years back. I'm ecstatic to stop menstruating again. The pain will go away, and hopefully the migraines will at least become less frequent.
Now I just gotta commit to investigate the main suspects, which are perimenopause, PCOS, and endometriosis. Please gods, let it *not *be the latter, I'm begging you.
Prayer circle for your girl here.
Clothes
My auntie gave me a few new pieces of clothing and... I don't hate what I see in the mirror anymore. That visceral reaction that stopped me from even looking at a mirror for weeks seems to have dulled in the past few days.
I hope it doesn't come back tho.
Writing
In four months, I wrote roughly 50k words of fiction, versus a whopping 0 (nil) in 4 years. That's insane, folks. A lot of it was done on my Boox Palma too, which is even crazier to think about.
And I've been writing on this blog again. It makes me feel good about myself, even if the posts are a downer to read lol
I'd been thinking a little more about 'content consumption'... and about the 'shaming' of content-making. A lot of people will cringe at you if you say you're making stuff for the internet, but like... that's so much nicer and healthier than sitting still just consuming stuff. Creating is important too, you know.
Weather events
We've had crazy weather around here. Lots of very warm days and thunderstorms and then temperatures dipping abruptly... I miss the world we had before humanity fucked it up completely and irreversibly.
I've worked in several climate change events and their focus now isn't in 'combating' climate change, but rather adapting to it. There's no turning back.
No meds = bad
Every time I miss a day of my antidepressants, my body feels insane. Before, I'd feel a lot of nausea and physical discomfort. Now, it seems like what gets fucked up is my dreams. I missed my meds yesterday and spent the entire night having horrible, vivid, mind-bending nightmares about end-of-the-world stuff, sexual predators and other horrible things. At a certain point I got up and was trying to grab at the wall beside my bed because in the dream there was a rapist running away and I was trying to stop him. Insane stuff.
All it takes for my brain to go bonkers in the night is one missed pill. Goddamn.
Food and self-care
I've been eating ok lately. Regularly. Mostly at the same time every day. I know this sounds like a big fat nothing, but to me this is huge.
I've also managed to keep a consistent personal hygiene routine. When stuff goes to shit, it's the first thing I stop doing. But I've been brushing my teeth, showering and washing my hair. Consistently.
It's awesome.
Had a real outing
I went out for the second time in two months. With a irl friend. It was nice. I got exactly one cocktail, which was perfect to keep up with her extrovertness. We chatted a lot. I hadn't talked to her in maybe a year or more, it always amazes me how she just welcomes me back whenever I poke my head out of my burrow and doesn't judge or press for explanations or anything. I really appreciate her.
In conclusion
They say we should celebrate small victories, I hope I can also celebrate my tiny, microscopic ones as well. Life's still shit and the world sucks, but I got a cute shirt and clean teeth now.