The Folkmoss Logs

halloween: as scary as it gets

Somehow, survived today. Slept something like 3 hours according to the so-called "smart" watch. At 7am we were at the cemetery, and at 7:37 the day was already fucking ruined. I don't know how long my madrinha can keep helping us. She's gonna reach her limit eventually and it's gonna be ugly -- for us, of course.

We dug up the grave spot my dad bought for his and my mom's first child. I don't really like calling it "my brother" -- he died a few weeks after being born, he never had the chance to be a brother. The place was a mess and it was quite honestly nightmare-inducing. The gravestone wasn't even there anymore. It was all abandoned, covered in garbage. They dug it up and we put what remained of dad's and mom's ashes there, like a souvenier for the underground. The drawer looked much better on the inside than on the outside, which was weirdly comforting after that horror show of watching the guys dug up trash to uncover the littlest bone box I've ever seen -- not that I've seen many.

And then they covered it up again, to be swallowed by earth and time, hopefully. The politics of cemeteries are kind of disheartening, as well as our whole culture regarding it, I guess. They were complaining of people who planted trees, whose roots would eventually destroy the underground drawers, but like... who cares? Isn't that better? Isn't it better to have a whole shaded open space with lots of trees than a smoldering line of graves burning under the sun, together with whoever came to stare at them? Maybe I was trying to disassociate but I did consider for a split second there to open a graveyard where you pay to be planted with a seed and grow as a tree. More like a big park than a cemetery, really.

Then there was the horrible morning nap and an impromptu visit to The Bank. Because of course. Why not have pending business from 8 years ago, the sort of business that needs a specific piece of paper you can only get after Action A is done to complete Action B but Action A depends on Action B to exist. Who doesn't love that amirite.

I can do this sort of stuff when I have company. I can't manage on my own though. Absolutely not. It's like wrapping a rope around my own neck and tying the other end around a boulder. I won't budge. Somebody has got to push the boulder. It ain't gonna me be.

It saddens me they just came all this way after all these years because their star kid threw a little temper tantrum, but didn't show any interest in helping when I was paralyzed in abject fear. Cool.

And then, vet visits and drag queens, I kid you not. It was banger of a stand up comedy show. Unforgettable. As in, it reminded me to keep on living. So... keep on living?

Note to self:

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